This film had haunted me since I first heard about it over eight months ago. We've all suffered remakes, good or bad, but just the sheer idea of remaking this film left me gasping. Is nothing in Hollywood sacred? I should know the answer already. Of course not. Any film you grew up with is in danger. Every ounce of your childhood will be torn apart. Any film you found inventive, new, with a life of its own, will be gutted, dissected and put in a cheap display case any time someone decides the world needs a new flea circus. If all this seems a bit extreme then let me tell you about "The Day the Earth Stood Still." In this weary tale of "the human race be warned," spheres from the far reaches of space land smack dab in the middle of Central Park, N.Y.C., and too-sexy-for-that-kind-of-scientist, Jennifer Connelly, emerges from the crowd to shake hands. As per their role in everything, the military steps in and whoops-a-daisy, moves the plot along. JenCon happens to be THE scientist who is there every step of the way, befriending our Klaatu (Keanu Reeves, in a role that is always a perfect fit for a blank slate), and aiding his escape. JenCon and Klaatu team up with her Rastafarian step-child (Jaden Smith) and we have ourselves a road trip picture. I won't harbor too much on Jaden, since I'm a big "Boondocks" fan myself, but he's asked to bog down the plot with this horrendous, "you're not my mom, you're an alien, so help me resurrect the dead" spiel. Apparently, the Smith household has started asking their kin to raise some mortage money. Hard times indeed.
Klaatu's lovely assistant, Gort, meanwhile starts to dissolve into nano-duplicating scarabs and hits the town. Hard. It's up to Keanu to get to Central Park and hit the reset button.Have I given away too much? Those who will see this tripe fall into two catergories. (a) You're bored out of your skull on a Friday night, and (b) you're a fucking moron. My grocery list of complaints with "TDTESS" runs longer than Santa's list of naughties at Rod Blagojevich's "Who'll Fill Obama's Shoes" auction. Anyone in their right mind holds the original in high regard. Not just as science-fiction gold, but cinema gold as well.Here are my "Six Reflections" on TDTESS:-I hope JenCon's contract allows her to do as many indie projects she wants after appeasing the agents and studio heads that made her do this. -Was the intro set in past India necessary? Couldn't we have just skipped that useless five minutes that just left us with more questions?-It isn't "The Day the Earth Stood Still" without "Klaatu barada nikto."-The film ends without Keanu addressing anyone of any worldly, politcal importance on why this is happening. His actions just scare people without letting them know why. I hope this isn't the start of Klaatu going through the motions every five years, only to have a small group of individuals "ask for a little more time."-In the original, the Earth, for a day, stands still. It's that simple. In this film, this doesn't happen. At the end, there is no one left in NYC, but that's not standing still. That's desertion. If this is the case then we could have named "Independence Day," "The Day the Earth Stood
Still."-Nothing is protected from greedy producers in Hollywood. They will remake "Gone with the Wind" and it will star Eddie Murphy. The only way to stop them is to not see their films. Just walk past the theaters and say, "No thank you." It may take our lifetimes, but if we can stop just one idiotic producer, from shitting all over something important and special, then I will die with a smile on my face.